Evil plots

Lord Voldemort has nothing on me. My girls (not to mention my students) are fully aware that I am an "Evil Plotter".

While it is true that my "Evil Plans" don't really include world domination (I can barely keep my own house clean; you want me to be in charge of the whole world? Do you realize there are billions of men in the world? and they all leave their dirty socks on the living room floor?), I do plot (evil-ly) to increase people's awareness of just how awesome it is to be Jewish. In what other religion do you get to eat yummy, fattening food as part of the religious observation of each and every holiday? How great is that?


We do take a small break on Tu Bi'Shvat when we eat fruit. Which is sort of healthy. Almost a diet food. And even there, the Yiddishe-Kopp has come up with a solution: dried fruit! Any good dietitian will tell you that dried fruit is more fattening than fresh. Huh. Nailed that one.


To make up for the deprivation of Tu Bi'Shvat, we have Purim. Which is a preliminary to the really fattening holiday -  Pesach.

But today we are talking about evil plotters, which is how Purim started.What do you eat on Purim?

Well, duh, Hammentaschens, right? Naturally. But what else? (Voice from the back row: "What else do you need?"). You see, Purim has 4 mitzvot associated with it (No, one of them is not "get drunk". That's just a bonus). By happy coincidence, they all start with the Hebrew letter 'mem':

1. Megillah - That's the scroll of Esther which everyone must hear (not "read", "hear"). Since you gotta hear the whole Megillah, the reader stops reading when we stomp out Haman's name by making lots of noise, so that no one will miss even one word.


2. Mishloach Manot - These are the bags or platters or baskets (or, once, a diaper (presumably unused) that someone filled with goodies (no pun intended) and delivered to my friend's house. I swear I am not making this up) of yummy things to eat that we send to our friends on Purim. It is based on what happened at the end of the Purim story (see Esther chapter 9 verse 19 and 22). That's the most common place to find Hammentaschens (second most common, in crumbs, all over the house, a month before Pesach. Oy.).


 3. Matanot L'Evyonim - Literally "Gifts for the poor". This is also based on the Megillah (Esther, chapter 9 verse 22). One gives special tzeddaka on Purim (you should give some every day, of course, but this is a specific giving).


 4. Mishteh - a great feast. This is based on the feast(s) that Queen Esther gave in honor of the king, during which she has exposed Haman's plot. The Jews of Shushan had their own feast when they were finally saved (see Esther chapter 9 verse 19 and 22) and thus was born the oldest Jewish joke: A Jewish holiday is defined by "They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat".


And it is at this feast, this Mishteh, that you need to serve some awesome food (fit for a king, right?). Now, I know you are an amazing cook and your brisket is out of this world and your gefilte fish is better than your mother in law's (certainly true in my case, my MIL never made gefilte fish and would faint at the very idea), but we are here to cook creatively. And in about a month - you'll be gefilte-fishing and brisket-ing again so let's think out of the (Mishloach Manot) box.

Some people say there is yet another "mem" mitzvah associated with Purim: Maseicha - a mask. That is: dressing up in costumes. There are a few explanations for this but the most common one is that the Megillah is the only book in the whole bible where G-d's name does not appear even once. How could it be? Well, here's how:

"Coincidence is when G-d chooses to remain anonymous" 

 G-d, say our sages, is orchestrating the whole story from behind the scenes. He is hidden, as if behind a mask. It is up to us to recognize His hand at the events that unfold before us.


So, how does this relate to the Mishteh menu? Some traditions call for "hidden" foods to be served on Purim. That is, foods that are served inside other foods, or masked as something else.

For example:

Appetizer - Stuffed prunes (Don't faint, this is an elegant, wonderful dish. Recipe below)

Soup course - Kreplach in chicken broth

Main course - Surprise meatballs (meatballs stuffed with dried fruit)
                        Stuffed vegetables (either with meat of vegetarian stuffing)
                         Burekas (potato or mushroom)

Dessert - Hammentaschen are one option but you can utilize the leftover dates from Tu Bi'Shvat. For some reason no one eats those. If you pit them carefully, you can then stuff them with some sort of nut paste (marzipan, or grind almost any kind of nut really fine with some sugar and use that). Decorate with a half or a whole blanched almond and you have a fancy little gem.


To make sure the dinner is a success - require everyone to eat it wearing masks. Advantages: people will be too busy trying to eat through a mask to notice what they are eating and if the dinner turns out only so-so, no one will be able to recognize the culprit.


Merry Purim. (Well, of course it's "merry". Purim is about merry-making, no?)





Stuffed prunes - buy the large juicy ones (Available at Middle Eastern specialty stores), pit them if they are not already pitted (if you soak them for a while in warm water, they will be easier to pit). Brown some ground meat in a little oil, mix with chopped fried onion, chopped walnuts or pine nuts, salt, pepper, cinnamon, turmeric,  ground ginger, ground cardamon (optional). Stuff prunes (carefully, this is delicate work) with about a tablespoonful of the filling. Arrange prunes in a single layer in a saucepan or deep skillet. Carefully pour liquid into pan (equal parts sweet red wine and water) until about half of the way up the prunes (That is - only the lower half of the prunes should be submerged in liquid). Bring to a very gentle boil, lower heat and simmer gently for 30-45 minutes or until prunes are even softer to the touch then when you started. Add more liquid only as necessary. You don't want this to dry out yet you don't want it too watery either. Serve warm with the sauce (the liquid you poured into the pan would be reduced by now and that is the "sauce"). You can substitute balsamic vinegar for the red wine but then use a ratio of one part water to 2 parts vinegar. Do not use white balsamic. This is a dish that needs the "body" of red wine or dark vinegar.
 (Vegetarian version: Eliminate meat. Use an equal amount of either meat substitute or chopped nuts. If you use nuts - I recommend using as many varieties as you have on hand. Chop them all (not too fine) and you can even slightly toast them before mixing into the filling. The rest of the recipe is the same).      


Kreplach (in case you don't have an Ashkenazi Bubbe) - are sort of like tortellinis, made with very thin dough. You can buy them frozen and cook according to package instructions. Or you can make them yourself. I have watched my mother make kreplach and have decided to put as much effort as I can into not learning how to make them.



 Surprise meatballs - these were born one day when I had too much dried fruit, too much ground beef and w-a-y too much time on my hands. Make your regular meatballs but insert a small prune or a dried apricot into each one as you shape it. (Hey, yet another use for leftover dried fruit from Tu Bi'Shvat).Cook as you usually do. Kids don't like these (except my kids when they were little) because they are not "normal", but adults are usually delighted by them.