A ten foot pole

Tazria and Metsora are tough parashot. They're a bit "yucky" to read and discuss and almost unbearable to try and explain to school age kids.

Over the centuries, the sages explained that the 'leprosy' mentioned in these parashot is a generic name for various blemishes/diseases that befall specific sinners (namely, those who engage in gossiping).

What, exactly is so horrendous about gossip? After all, it is only talking. It's like those old wives tales about 'ain hara' - the evil eye. "Oh, no. So-and-so said something ugly about me. Now I will get sick (or lose my looks or my fortune)". Get serious. It's all just bubbe meisses. Old world silly superstitions. What one says or doesn't say cannot possible cause real harm to either say-er or say-ee.

Really? Ever heard of political correctness? Words hurt. And bad words that are said about you add a level of stress to your life that even being stuck in traffic for 3 hours can not. And we all know the effect that stress has on our health. Especially our skin.

No wonder the punishment for gossip is to be afflicted with bad skin. If you're gonna cause someone else such a level of stress that they will break out in hives, you should share this kind of misery. A person who is gossiped about often feels as if they have a huge pimple smack in the middle of their forehead and that everyone is staring at them. The person who has put them in this terrible situation deserves to have an actual pimple on their forehead so they can feel the same pain.

I have made a new year resolution (Pesach is considered the real "first day of the new year" in biblical terms): I will avoid gossip whenever possible. It's uphill work. Gossip is so much fun. Which is exactly why the Torah saw fit to speak up against it. And to scare us with  dire consequences if we do indulge in it.

In modern times, science has found that indulging in saying bad things about common acquaintances can result in social isolation. As much as we love hearing awful things about people we all hate, research shows that it is the person relating the juicy detail who sticks in our memory as being associated with whatever unsavory tidbit they shared, much more so than the one being gossiped about. Not to mention the logic of "If she talks that way about others, what does she say about me behind my back?" One would hesitate to truly befriend a full fledged gossip.

Meanwhile, the 2 parashot are still rather uncomfortable to read and discuss, being that they contain such detailed descriptions of things better left not described, except maybe in a medical book. As a teacher of pre-teens, my feelings about these parashot is: "I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole".

A lot of people feel the same way about some foods. Take okra. Or spinach. Or Brussels sprouts.

Why don't people like Brussels sprouts? My theory is that they don't get what they are. In Hebrew these are called "Cabbage buds". Which is an excellent description. They look like baby cabbages and they taste like a very delicate (i.e. baby vegetable) version of cabbage. Why not treat them as if they are cabbages? That is: shred them. 

Cute little baby cabbages

1 Lb Brussels sprouts, shredded (like you would shred it if it was a cabbage and you were making coleslaw)

2 Tbs olive oil (other oil will work, too)

1 Tbs water

A pinch each: salt, freshly ground black pepper, red pepper flakes

Juice from one lime (pick a nice, big, juicy one)

In a large frying pan or a wok, heat oil over high heat.

Add sprouts and stir fry for 2 minutes or until their color noticeably brightens.

Add water and immediately cover pan and lower heat to medium. Cook for 2 minutes.

Add spices. Remove from heat and mix in lime juice.

This makes quite a bit because even if you do like it, you can't eat too much of it. It's very filling.

For the sake of honesty I have to admit that even when they are made this way, my kids will not touch Brussels sprouts. You can't win them all, I suppose.

This little piggie

Wow. It certainly seems as if this week's parasha was written with me in mind. Half the parasha is about...food. Which animals can and cannot be eaten, what are the criteria for permitted fowl or forbidden fish, even which insects are "kosher". All that's missing are some recipes.

A little before Pesach I was teaching my seventh graders about Kashrut and we discussed this exact passage. How do you explain to modern, American, mostly secular children why they cannot eat bacon? There is no health reason, or economical reason, or social reason. All these explanations have been examined and eventually rejected as possible 'reasons to keep kosher'.

The truth is, the laws in this parasha do not make any sense. They are totally arbitrary, pointless and random. What difference does it make if an animal we are about to eat chews its cud or has split hooves? Does it affect the flavor of the meat? And what's with the completely random list of birds? Not to mention limiting seafood to a fraction of the richness of dishes the sea can offer. What's with that? Food is food, what difference does any of it make, anyway? Who cares what I eat?

You know something? I just bet Aharon's sons said the exact same thing before they used a forbidden fire at the altar. "Yo, man, fire's fire, what's the big deal? Chill." 

The first part of the parasha teaches us a long term lesson about the second part: We may not always understand the reason behind G-d's rules. That does not mean we can exchange them for our own rules, just because it seems to us that something 'doesn't matter', or 'doesn't make sense.'

So I told my students "The reason behind all these laws is very simple: because G-d said so." It's the only reason that makes sense and the only one that is needed. Since we know that G-d always has our best interests in mind (even if we cannot figure out the fine print at the moment), all laws become simply "what we are to do". It's nice to understand the reason behind them but if we don't, it doesn't matter, we still 'just do it.' Like Nike.

Still, the parasha does suffer from a glaring lack of recipes. So my class and I have prepared the following dish for your enjoyment:

Yummy Drummies

Ingredients:

6 chicken drumsticks

1 Tbs minced garlic (2 or 3 cloves)

1 Tbs minced fresh ginger root

1/3 cup balsamic vinegar

2 Tbs honey

Salt and pepper to taste

(note: feel free to alter amounts to your taste)

1. Using a sharp knife, cut 2 or 3 slits into the meaty part of each drumstick.

2. In a large zip-top bag (or a non metallic bowl) mix all ingredients. Using your fingers, rub the sauce unto the meat really well.

3. Marinate for 1 to 2 hours. Re-rub the sauce into the chicken every half hour or so.

4. Transfer drumsticks and sauce to a well oiled (or sprayed) baking pan. Cook at 425F for 35-45 minutes, turning the drumsticks every 10 minutes until they're fully cooked. The meat will be very brown from the sauce and the sauce may be a bit sticky.

Serves 3 moderate eaters, 2 hungry ones or 1 "pig"

Bread of affliction

Every year, around Purim, my Mother in Law reminds me to start collecting matzo for her. She's talking about these coupons most supermarkets put in their circulars during the weeks leading to Pesach, where you can get 5 Lbs of matzo for free (with this coupon and an additional $50 purchase). 

I don't mind. We hate the matzo that comes in these packages and I buy so much food for Pesach that one year I managed to present her with 5 sets of 5 Lbs matzo each.

What puzzles me, though, is why anyone would need so much matzo. Granted, Pesach is my favorite holiday and I sort of like the taste of the round Shemurah matzo, but machine made ones? and so much of them? Turns out, she eats them year round. 

Say what??? Matzo on Pesach is not bad enough for you? Well, it seems that it isn't. My friend Peggy from Nutley, who's not even Jewish, refused to let me use her coupon because she gets that 5 Lbs for her family because, get this, "We like it". As the old joke goes, "Me, I have to, but you?"

In my family we really don't like matzo. We eat our share at the Seder and stay away from it the rest of the week if possible. Other than Shemura matzo for the Seder, I only buy 2 boxes: one of honey matzo (my oldest eats this with cream cheese) and one of some savory Israeli concoction. Neither is a proper matzo, I know. But we just can't stand the stuff. 

Even so, there is surprisingly too much matzo in each box and by this time I start getting desperate. Incidentally, this is also the time when we get a little sick of the rich food. Of the meat and chicken and fish. We want some good old fashioned dairy. The pizza craving is at its highest towards the second chag.

Well, that's exactly why I bought the shredded cheese and the cottage cheese and the crushed tomatoes at the beginning of the week.

Pesach lasagna

Thing 1: originally, this recipe came from my friend Debbie, but we found it too tame and we played around with it a bit, so this is our version of it. But thanks, Debbie, for the idea.

Thing 2: I regret to inform you that this is one of those "a bit of this and a bit of that" recipes that everyone hates. It's sort of based on what you have on hand. Play with it. It's quite flexible and it will be yummy anyway because everyone will be amazed that you managed to cook something dairy, on Pesach, that is so good. Be brave.

OK, so basically, you take a bunch of savory flavored matzo (garlic or onion or herbs). If you don't have them, fear not. Use regular matzo and increase the amount of spices in the sauce.

Now, make tomato sauce, which is crushed tomatoes (or puree, or paste mixed with some water, whatever) mixed with extra virgin olive oil, salt, pepper and oregano. And any other spice and herb you like to add to your every day lasagna. Make a LOT of sauce. Way more than you think you need. Matzo drinks this up when you cook it.

Now, dip the matzo in the sauce. Dip it really well. You want it wet but still manageable enough to transfer to the baking dish.

Make the filling:

Finely chop some broccoli. Thinly slice a little carrot. Slightly cook both in boiling water until tender firm. Drain.

Saute lots of onion and garlic in olive oil until very soft and a little brownish. Add broccoli and carrot. Cook another 2 minutes. (you can use other veggies but the onion and garlic are key).

Mix with 3 or 4 cups of cottage cheese, 3 eggs, chopped parsley, salt, pepper, oregano and whatever other spices/herbs you like in your lasagna. Be generous.

 

Layer the matzo with the sauce, shredded cheese and the filling. Use lots of sauce and lots of filling and as much cheese as you like (we like plenty). Just like a regular lasagna but very wet.

Bake, covered, at 350F for an hour. Remove cover and continue baking another 15 minutes. Serve with a deep spoon - it will be runny but oh, so good.

Now, the real question is "How do you get rid of matzo crumbs?" 

Very Picky Eaters

I used to think there was no one as picky as my brother when it came to Pesach food. 

Here was a guy whose ideal meal consists of chicken breast, thinly sliced, well beaten and cooked to the consistency of drywall; potatoes (any way you make them); Israeli salad and plenty of chocolate for dessert. Yet, whenever he comes to our house on Pesach, he never stops complaining that the food is disgusting and tastes terrible and "who came up with this idiotic idea anyway?". And no amount of reassurance to the effect that "but I use the exact same ingredients that I use every day for your food" will change his mind. I think he is under the impression that it is my Pesach dishes that are at fault. It is a well known scientific fact that Pesach dishes impart a Pesachdik flavor onto any dish made in them.

But all that was before my oldest child turned vegetarian. The Seder meal is bad enough for someone who does not eat fish, chicken, beef or eggs (Thank G-d for dessert) but Pesach lasts 7 days and that is way too long for a pizza-tarian (the acceptable term for one who would live on nothing but pizza, if only her mother was reasonable) to go without food. My poor baby used to live on chocolate covered matzah, plenty of cheese and the occasional fruit. (Veggie? did you say "veggie"? hear that hollow laughter).

Being a proper Jewish mother, I naturally cannot stand by and watch my child starve to death (all 5'7" of her) and so I have learned to be even more creative than usual. 

First, I prayed. And G-d has answered my prayers and sent me quinoa. For the uninitiated, quinoa looks, feels, cooks and tastes like a grain but is, botanically, a berry. And as such, it is permitted on Pesach. And to make things even better, it is very versatile. You can serve it warm or cold, you can mix it with fruits or veggies, meat or dairy, sweet flavors or savory. G-d was really showing off when He created it, wasn't He?


Now we all know that we are G-d's partners, so I felt compelled to do my share with regard to creative Pesach food.

So now my oldest daughter can have Pesach pancakes (My friend Mara and her daughter claim these are better than the everyday pancakes), Pesach muffins (I developed my own recipe since I cannot stand the mixes that come in a box and anyway, they're w-a-y too expensive), Lasagna (Thanks to my friend Debbie, who introduced the recipe when my daughter was in her class in sixth grade) and a great variety of quinoa salads. 


Still, there is one thing I have always wondered about: How do you make cholent for Pesach? I mean, sometimes it is still very cold during Pesach and there is always a Shabbat somewhere in the middle. How does one make cholent with neither beans nor grains? 



Unlike many other problems in life, I have managed to figure this one out. There's a woman in our temple who makes a cholent of nothing but beef and potatoes. You'd think it wouldn't work but hers is always the first to go on our annual cholent cook-off. So here's to Miriam and a Pesachdik cholent. Which, I presume , will taste "terrible" when cooked in my Pesachdik dishes. Ah, little brothers. You can't live with them. You can't take them back for a refund. I blame my mother.

Pesach pancakes

1/3 cup matzoh cake meal

1/4 potato starch

2 Tbs sugar

2 tsp Passover baking powder

1 egg

1/2 Tbs Vanilla

Pinch salt

4 Tbs oil (not olive)

3/4 cup milk (regular or almond)

1/3 cup chocolate chips

Mix all ingredients in the order listed. Cook pancakes as usual.

Makes 4-5 pancakes. My friend Mara claims they can be frozen and reheated in the microwave. As if any are ever left over. Ha.

 

Pesach muffins

3/4 cup matzoh cake meal
1/3 cup potato starch
1/3 cup mixed finely ground nuts
3 heaping teaspoons Passover baking powder
Pinch salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp nutmeg (optional)
3 eggs
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup oil (not olive)
2/3 cup orange juice
2/3 cup chocolate chips or frozen berries (thawed) 




1. Mix first 7 ingredients very well (they tend to clump).

2. In another bowl mix next 4 ingredients.

3. Combine dry and wet mixtures and mix only until all the dry ingredients are wet.

4. Mix in the last ingredient. (batter will be runnier than regular muffins' batter).

5. Bake in well oiled (sprayed) muffin cups in a pre heated oven at 330F for about 40 minutes. Muffins will be nicely browned and very light.






This makes 12 muffins that will keep for a few days in a covered container. But why keep any? eat them all. My kids do.



So where, you might ask, is the quinoa salad? Read back. I have a few of them in past posts. All perfectly suitable for Pesach. And then, make your own version. As I said, it's a very versatile food.

Why is this night different from all other nights?

Yet another name for Pesach is the holiday of spring. This, strangely enough, has to do not so much with the season but with the green heads of wheat, that, in Israel, come up around this time of year and are called, in ancient Hebrew "Aviv" - spring. While we cannot actually serve wheat on Pesach (green or otherwise), we can honor the season with seasonal dishes.

Of the four questions, I never understood the one about the maror. First of all, we do eat one other vegetable (karpas) besides maror during Seder night. And second, is there really anyone who can seriously claim that "on any other night we eat all other vegetables" (she'ar yerakot)? What vegetables? Do your kids eat vegetables? How did you manage that? Mine never even eat baby carrots or peas. 

Can we sneak more veggies unto our kids plates for at least one night a year by making it a ritualistic eating? Might be worth a try.

So far, in our efforts to lighten up the Seder meal, I have tried real hard to push vegetables. Seeing as vegetable dishes require more effort than, say, a roasted chicken, one may wonder why bother.

Well.

1. It is indeed more work but the impression this will make on your guests will be priceless. Can you imagine the look on your Mother in law's face, when, after years of sneering at your (supposed) culinary abilities, she will be faced with a colorful table of healthy foods ("and you can't even taste the matzoh meal")?

2. It's healthier, less fattening and does not leave you with that heavy, bloated feeling we all know and dread.

3. Pound for pound, it is cheaper to feed people on veggies than on brisket. If you serve 5 different veggie dishes, you can decrease the amount of meat (maybe even the varieties) that you're serving. And for all my zealous friends and family who will rise to the defense of the holiday table ("You need to serve festive food on a festival. It's a mitzvah") - Relax. The amount of work that goes into vegetable dishes, the bright colors, the variety of flavors and the joy they will bring to your vegetarian, health concerned or dieting guests, will more than make up for the lack of 3 different meat main dishes.

So this Pesach, leave the matzoh meal in the kneidlach where is belongs and serve a lighter fare.

Like….Salads. 

And don’t just make one salad. Make 3. 

Or 4.

1. Let's start with your green salad because I know you're going to make it anyway. You can use your regular salad or upgrade it by adding springtime ingredients: sliced strawberries, scallions, radishes, blanched asparagus, avocado (not necessarily all at once). Do not use store bought dressing. Invest 20 minutes on Google and find a recipe you like. I recommend olive oil, balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard, a touch of honey, salt and pepper. Simple, easy, perfect for this salad. I assume there is no need to mention that this salad will not tolerate iceberg lettuce. Use mixed baby lettuces, romaine or green leaf.

2. Israeli salad - Is there anyone out there who still doesn't have the "recipe" for this? Cut into very small cubes the following: cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes, onion, bell peppers (any color). Mix with olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, chopped fresh parsley.

3. Buy the first ripe tomatoes of the season. Slice them thickly (about a finger’s thickness). With a very light touch of olive oil and a sprinkle of sea salt and freshly ground black pepper they are very refreshing (which is what we go for on Pesach). For extra fancy touch - sprinkle chopped fresh tarragon on top. Serve cold.

4. Cucumbers - in a light mayo-based dressing or the sugar and vinegar preferred by our grandparents' generation.

5. Roasted peppers - use a variety of colors, roast until skins char, peel, slice into wide, long strips. If you use the little ones or the long thin ones, you can leave them whole, which makes for a pretty presentation. It almost doesn't need a dressing but salt and pepper are nice, some olive oil, a splash of vinegar to wake up the flavor, maybe a bit of crushed garlic, a sprinkle of fresh chopped chives.

6. Broccoli - fresh (yes, uncooked). This is a salad I first ate at my mother's cousin Hadassa's home. Hadassa is not only a great cook but she is also the kindest, most welcoming, most accepting person I have ever met. We adore her family and love to go visit. And I always come home with some recipe that is a huge success. I later on suggested this to my friend Lisa for her daughter's Bat Mitzva's kiddush dinner and she was very skeptical until the huge bowl of this salad was the first one to empty. You can make this ahead of time but do not mix it until you're almost ready to serve (for a Seder meal, mix it when you serve the first course and it will be ready to be served as a side dish for the main course). In a large non-metallic bowl mix: 1/3 cup red wine vinegar, 1/4 cup sugar (white or brown), 3/4 cup of mayonnaise, pinch of salt and a little pepper. Mix well. Top with fresh broccoli florets (about 7-8 cups) and a small red onion, very finely chopped. If making ahead of time - do not add the onion yet. You can put it in a small bowl and lay it on top of the broccoli to save time and space, but don't let it touch anything in the salad ahead of time. When mixing - it will seem as if there is not enough dressing. Fear not. There is plenty. Mix well. It is not supposed to "swim" in dressing a-la coleslaw. Despite the mayo-based dressing, this is not a heavy dish, but it is rather filling.



Now, these are just a few simple suggestions. Use your imagination and your family's preferences. Dare to be adventurous. Try new combinations.  Explore new tastes. Don't be afraid.


Remember we all come from a group of people who dared to try something new and who overcame their fear of the unknown and were rewarded with freedom and a covenant with G-d.


Be brave. Eat vegetables this Pesach.

The underground Seder

Another name for Pesach is the holiday of Passover. Literally, the holiday commemorating G-d passing over the homes of the Jews (identified by the blood smears on the door posts) when smiting every first born in Egypt. Jews are instructed many times to try and act in G-dly ways. With that in mind, I suggest we, too, Pass-over. Let's pass-over the heavy starchy side dishes Pesach is famous for and go a different route.

So we’re working on the Seder meal, trying to lighten up the matzoh meal load. What can we serve next to the brisket that will not be so heavy we won't be able to stay awake long enough to open the door for Eliyahu Hanavi?

The simplest and most logical are salads. Pesach is a spring holiday. New and wonderful produce starts to appear in the market. 

Unfortunately, we don't all live in Israel, and some years there is a thin layer of snow on the ground when we open the door for Eliyahu.

Fine, we'll make use of the winter vegetables. If it grows underground, it goes on the table. What grows underground? Carrots, Parsnips, Turnips, Celery root, Jerusalem artichoke, Yams, Potatoes, Radishes, Kohlrabi, Beets, Jicama.

1. Beets - cook beets (or use canned if you're pressed for time, but know that it won't be as good). You can boil or roast the beets (unpeeled) a day or two ahead of time and keep in the fridge; they need to cool off anyway. Peel and slice thin. Dress with olive oil, lemon juice, crushed garlic, fresh chopped parsley, salt and plenty of freshly ground black pepper. Toss very gently (or not at all). If you make it the day before, add the parsley no more than 2 hours before the meal.

2. Carrots – make your favorite tzimmes. I don’t, because my family does not eat carrots unless the are very well disguised. If your family eats tzimmes, I am officially jealous. 

3. Jerusalem artichoke, parsnips, Turnips, yams and potatoes (all or some) roast – cut Jerusalem artichoke into very thin slices and everything else into 1 inch cubes. Toss with a generous amount of olive oil, spice it up with plenty of salt, pepper, paprika, cumin, granulated garlic, Italian seasoning, chopped fresh rosemary and/or any other spice you like (really, this is a very accommodating dish). Spread in a large baking pan and roast (425F) for 30-45 minutes or until everything is fork tender. Stir occasionally.

4. Radishes and new potatoes – see my post from 1/26/12 (“Plague it again, Sam”) for a recipe of this very refreshing salad.

5. Root vegetables Medley - In their uncooked state root vegetables are surprisingly refreshing. Here is an excellent way to keep annoying people out of your hair erev Pesach ("annoying" defined as "guests who show up ahead of time and you need to entertain them instead of finishing your preparations"). Teach these people a lesson: sit them down with a sharp knife, a cutting board and a good sized bowl. Give them a mountain of root veggies (daikon, kohlrabi, carrots, turnip, celery root, jicama) and tell them to julienne the whole thing. I have a theory that French chefs invented the method of julienne as revenge on the rest of the world for our pathetic attempts to speak French. At any rate, once everything is sliced into thin matchstick-like pieces, toss the whole thing with a light tart dressing (lemon based). Garnish with chopped fresh parsley.
(Of course, if no 'slaves' are available, you can julienne the vegetables yourself, hopefully using a mandolin or a food processor)

6. Lest we forget - onions (white, sweet, red), garlic, shallots and leeks also grow underground. Each of these (or all of them) will enhance any roasted dish. Just chop or slice and add them to the mix. You can even have a dish of just members of the Allium family for the brave of heart. Peel, wash, slice or chop as needed, toss with oil and seasonings and roast until soft and brownish. Yum.

  

You can, of course, also cook veggies that are not strictly “underground”:

1. Butternut squash – is amazing roasted (see roasting method as described in #3 above).

2. Zucchini – saute cubes (or round slices or long slices, depending on your patience and preference. Cubes are the easiest), in a large skillet (preferably not non-stick) with a few tablespoons of olive oil (extra virgin is the way to go here, you need the flavor) in which a garlic clove or two (crushed) was first allowed to cook slightly. Cook until zucchini is lightly browned and very soft (the cooking time depends on how much zucchini you have and the size of the skillet). Stir often and you can lower the heat and cook, covered, if the zucchini seems to brown too fast without softening. Once it’s ready, add salt, pepper and a splash of lemon juice. Yes, it really IS that simple.

3. Broccoli – cut into florets, cook the same as the zucchini except do not cook beyond the "tender-crisp" stage or the broccoli will lose its bright green color.

4. Cauliflower – cut into florets, toss with olive oil, crushed garlic, chopped fresh rosemary (optional but highly recommended), salt and pepper. Roast at 400F for 20-30 minutes until just tender and edges start to brown a little.

Please note: There is not one crumb of matzoh or matzoh meal in any of the above dishes. 

Next time: salads.