Water

Wow. This week's parasha is one action packed parasha. So many things happen that it is easy to lose control of the story. Let' see. We start with the red heifer. There's a weird tale. What is that about? (asked Torah scholars all through the centuries.) You're still reeling from that one when Miriam dies and takes her magic well with her. Then there's the famous "hit the rock for water" episode that eventually results in Moshe and Aharon not entering the land. Then there's an issue with Edom who wouldn't let them go through his land. Then Aharon dies. Then the people complain (a brand new novelty) and G-d strikes them with snakes. Then they sing about a well. Then the Emorites won't let them through. Then they sing again. Then they annihilate Og the giant. Then they arrive at the place where they will cross the Jordan into the land. Phew.

And all through the parasha, from start to finish, like a thin, silvery thread, flows the issue of water. What is it about water? It's this super weird element that never does anything the way it's supposed to. Different from other elements and yet, we cannot live without it. Nobody can. Animals in the wild, who are usually mortal enemies, will announce a truce so they can share a water source. Wars have been fought for the right to use wells. One of the first means of chemical warfare was the poisoning of wells. More than half the population of earth does not have enough clean water to live on. The Torah is constantly busy with water. The patriarchs were forever digging wells everywhere. One of the worst threats G-d sends down is "I'll stop the rains". And the main complaint the Israelites have is "no water". 

The Torah is said to be like water. Those who said it meant that we cannot live without it. But let's look at the other attributes of water: 

1. The Torah is certainly different from every other book in the world and it never does what you'd expect it to do.

2. People have certainly fought wars in regards to the Torah. 

3. Don't know about wild animals but people will put aside their differences to come together and study Torah (I know my friend and I do).

4. There have been quite a few incidents throughout history where people tried to "poison" the Torah as part of warfare.

5. Certainly more than half the population of the earth does not have "access" to the Torah. (Just because it's available in print, does not mean you have access to it.)

And maybe it is up to us, who enjoy direct access to it, to share the source of living water with others.

Certainly it is up to us to preserve it, or we risk running out of it.

Summer is officially here. Drink deep and plenty. Of water and of Torah.

Here is a drink that is very simple and very popular in the countries that the Israelites tried to pass through:

Mint water

Fill a pitcher with cold water. Rub plenty of fresh mint (1 sprig per cup of water) between your fingers for a few seconds and then put it into the pitcher. Let it sit for an hour or so (in the fridge) then drink. You can add honey but really it is way more refreshing without. At the beginning this may be a little weird tasting because it's different but it is very good on hot afternoons (think mint julep...)

Back seat drivers

Don't you just love these people? The ones who sit back comfortably and comment nonstop on the (lack of) quality of your work?

Take my husband, for example (no, really, someone take him, please). Hubby loves to tell me that whatever it is I am doing at the moment is wrong and bound to fail. It is a miracle that A. I have done anything at all and B. He is still breathing.

Or take my oldest child (On second thought, maybe not. You'll come back and sue me for damages.) The kid will not cook. Oh, she can feed herself if she must. And she is very good at putting together various edibles and coming up with a great tasting dish. She might even, when I am desperate, put together a meal for herself and her sister. But she will not help around the kitchen on holidays. Which is when I really do need the help. Oh, well, it's my fault (like everything else). I never insist so she gets away with it. Anyway, what she is exceptionally good at is telling me what to do. Oh, man, is she good at that. Come to think of it, my whole family are world class experts in telling me what to do.

I think Moshe can relate to that. The Israelites kept telling him what he was doing wrong, the spies led a "it will never work" chorus and even his own siblings criticized his leadership and his personal life. Poor man. But the worst was Korach and his gang. They did not even complain about food or water or hardships. That could have been understood. After all, everyone was wandering in the desert together and conditions were harsh. In truth, everyone complained. Jews are kvetchers, that's a given.

No, what Korach and his posse did was to blame Moshe of thinking too much of himself and then try to start a revolution. Did they say anything specific? Besides "You think you're so holy? we're all holy"? or the old  "For this you took us out of Egypt"? Nope. It was very clear that their goal was simply to create a new order of leadership with themselves at the top. They did not even suggest a platform for new elections. They did not offer advice on how to make things better for the benefit of the people. No, they just said that Moshe is no better than anyone else and that everything he has done so far was wrong. That's classic back seat driving. Not contributing anything except criticism.

Now, I am terrible when it comes to criticizing (see above where I talk about my family). I tell it like it is, I do not mince words and I get straight to the heart of the matter. Don't get on my wrong side, I take no prisoners. But I'd like to think that I offer constructive criticism. Because if you just criticize for the sake of belittling the other person so that you can look better than them, then you are no better than Korach. And you know how he ended up.

We should never offer advice just to show how much smarter we are than everyone else. Advice must always serve the purpose of the one it is being offered to, not the one offering it. Don't tell me what I am doing wrong. Tell me how to do it right.

Meanwhile, I continue to accept "instructive criticism" from my beloved family.

So the other day, number one daughter gave me instructions on how to make a lentil salad to her specifications. I had to make a special trip to 2 different stores but that's OK. It gives me the opportunity to do my "Jewish mother thing": Guilt trips. Mwha-ha-ha.

Lentil salad as instructed

You'll need French lentils. They are smaller than regular lentils and darker in color (almost black). You can get them at Whole Foods. Cook them as you would regular lentils (i.e. cover with water, boil, cook over low heat for 30-40 minutes until tender firm.)

2 cups cooked French lentils

1 cup diced orange (that's almost a whole large orange, peeled, separated into sections, each section laid on its side, sliced horizontally, then sliced into small pieces across)

1/2 cup diced red onion (about 1/2 of a medium one)

1/2 cup thinly chopped parsley

1 Tbs olive oil (other oils OK, too)

1 Tbs red wine vinegar (must be red wine)

1/2 tsp coarse salt (you can use kosher salt or sea salt)

1/4 tsp brown mustard

Freshly ground black pepper, to taste (must be freshly ground)

Mix everything together (Well, of course you mix the dressing ingredients separately and then toss with the salad. You don't need my "back seat driver" smart mouth comments for that, now do you?)

This will feed about 4 nudniks.

SPY VS. SPY

Why did G-d tell Moshe to send spies into the promised land? Didn't He know what was in there? Haven't the Israelites agree to accept His word without questioning (at the mountain)? Didn't they accept the Torah sight unseen? Weren't they going to accept the land as well? Milk and honey, man, milk and honey. What's to oppose? What? They are going to demand their money back? refuse to accept G-d's gift? go back to Egypt (as they keep saying)? What's to check? 

Let's take a look at the seemingly innocent statement "accept the Torah sight unseen". It is true, they did accept the Torah without reading the fine print first. And what have they been doing since? Going against its instructions at every opportunity and grumbling about its rules the rest of the time. So, says G-d to himself, this time I'll make them check the deal from all angles before they commit themselves. It's a teaching moment and G-d is teaching them how to manage without lawyers. Very useful lesson.

G-d felt quite sure about the outcome. The land was flowing with milk and honey, as promised. The inhabitants were mighty, it's true, but part of the deal was that G-d will make them fall before the Israelites, so no worries on that front. Just a formality, He told Moshe, make them feel as if they are adults, signing the deed for their first apartment. Cool.

So they sent spies. Twelve. One from each tribe because the assumption was, if the guy is from our tribe, we'll be more inclined to believe his report, since he is, you know, family.

Right.

In the history of spy-dom there has never been such a group of nebbisheh spies as these spies. The way they present their report is almost Talmudic: On the one hand (singsong voice), the land really is flowing with milk and honey. On the other hand (rub the beard and sigh) oy, the giants, the giants. Who can make a decision based on such a report? And what do they bring from their little trip to another country? Fruit! What? there were no duty free perfumes and chocolates? Or, at the very least some milk and honey? Maybe a souvenir. A menorah carved from olive wood, a Bukharian style yarmulke.  No, they bring fruit. Nu, that will make everyone feel better.

Ten of the spies were all "Oh no, the giants were so gigantic. we were like crickets in their eyes. Surely we cannot overcome them. No, no, this land is beyond our powers." So, naturally, the people took up their favorite refrain: "For this we left Egypt?" Since, as we all know, Egypt was sooo much better.

But two of the spies. Yehoshua and Calev, were different. Mind you, they did not deny that the land was not as easy to take over as everyone wanted it to be. But they reminded the people that they are not entering the place alone. It was promised to them and the One who made that promise is going to help make it come true. As always, no one listened.

G-d, understandably, was a little ticked off. OK. A lot. Moshe (using words that were so useful, we have been using them every Yom Kippur since) managed to convince Him not to "Kill them. Kill them all" so the final verdict is as follows: "... roam the wilderness for forty years.... corresponding to the number of days - forty days - that you scouted the land; a year for each day" (Numbers 14:33-34). Don't wanna enter the land I provided? Fine. Go and wander in the desert for 40 years and see how you like that.

40. A good number. It was, the archaeologists tell us, the average life expectancy back then. So, in effect, they will wander in the desert for the rest of their lives. And instead of milk and honey, they will eat manna. And fowl.

Chicken with 40 cloves of garlic

(note: this is not my recipe. I copied it from one of my favorite cooks, Alton Brown . But I promise it's as good as it sounds)

• 1 whole chicken (broiler/fryer) cut into 8 pieces
• 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 10 sprigs fresh thyme
• 40 peeled cloves garlic (that's about 3 heads)
• Salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Season chicken with salt and pepper. Toss with a 2 tablespoons olive oil and brown on both sides in a wide fry pan or oven proof skillet over high heat. Remove from heat, add 1/2 cup of oil, thyme, and garlic cloves. Cover and bake for 1 1/2 hours.

Remove chicken from the oven, let rest for 5 to 10 minutes and serve. 

Sick of it

My daughter's friend Anmol is Indian and apparently kvetches (and we thought we were special, huh?) about having to eat Indian food all the time. Can you believe it? If we want Indian food (and oh, yes, we do), we have to go to a special restaurant. We have to pay a hefty price and we have to live with the fact that it will be a long time before we get it again. And here that kid is getting Indian food (home-made, no less) every day and she is sick of it. The other girls at the lunch table protested this but my daughter shared the story of a time when her evil mother managed to make her sick of....pizza. Yes, you read that right: My pizza-tarian child got sick of eating pizza. Not for long, mind you, but still.

This just goes to show that there is such a thing as "Too much of a good thing". And this week's parasha is a prime example of it. Way back when, the Israleites complained about hunger (they ran out of matzah right after crossing the sea) and G-d sent them the manna. Now, our sages tell us that the coolest thing about the manna was that it tasted like whatever one wanted it to taste like. Isn't that great? My students love this part. They always want to know if it could taste like chocolate. Which I suppose it could, if anyone back then knew what chocolate tasted like.

Anyhow, with a feature like that, one may wonder how can you get sick of manna. Well, never let it be said that Jews are not unique. They did get sick of it. What did they want? meat and vegetables. Vegetables! When they can have chocolate. Talk about ingrates. 

And how did they complain: "We remember the free food we had in Egypt". Free. Right.

Is it any wonder Moshe asks G-d to take them off his hands? And you gotta admire his choice of words: "Have I conceived this people? Did I give birth to it that you ask me to carry it in my lap?" This, from the guy who claimed to be "not so good with words."

So, G-d, who really likes Moshe (and was probably worried about finding someone else for the job in the middle of the desert), sends meat. Notice all children everywhere: He sends meat. Not veggies. 

And G-d has a sense of humor. He sends quail. Many, many quails, 'tis true, but quail nevertheless. 

What is quail? It's a tiny, tiny bird. Worse, it's a wild, migrating bird. Mid-migration. Therefore, we're talking of a bird with very little meat to begin with and what meat it has, is hard working muscles, very tough to chew. And the Israelites die while eating it, too. G-d sends a plague to kill them while the meat is still "between their teeth" (Which must have prompted the invention of dental floss.)

Have we learned anything in the thousands of years that have passed since that incident? How often do we recognize G-d's gifts? How often do we ignore the gifts we already have and complain about the stuff we don't have? Let's take a look around, right this second, and count everything we have. We have our eye-sight, the use of our hands, the ability to operate a computer, probably enough money to own one and the leisure to read about different ways to cook food, never mind enough money to actually have food, which most of the world doesn't.

So, yes, we don't have the house of our dreams, well behaved children or a movie star spouse. Like the "free food we had in Egypt", these things (including the well behaved children) only look good from a distance. G-d gives us exactly what we need. If we fail to appreciate it, we will be plagued. By a constant feeling of dis-satisfaction. We will not be able to enjoy our food even when it is "between our teeth".

Besides the meat, the Israelites missed a variety of fresh veggies: onions, garlic, melons, squash (I know it is translated as "cucumbers" but the word is modern Hebrew for "squash", as in "zucchini") and something called "khatzir" which was translated as "leeks", but which in modern Hebrew means various grasses. So here is a dish made with small birds, grass (wild rice), onion, garlic and squash. I couldn't find a way to put melons in it (especially as the word used in the Torah means "watermelon") but I did use a little honey to flavor the birds and if you really want to be authentic feel free to find watermelon preserves and use that instead. 

Note: Quails are not easy to find which is why I use very small chickens. And I do mean small. You can get tiny birds (about a pound and a half or less) if you ask the butcher. Sephardic Jews in Israel use pigeons (or is it doves?, I'm not sure of the translation here. It's called 'yona' in Hebrew), which is fine, too. Or, if you find quail - go for it.

Ingrate stuffed birds

2 Tbs olive oil

1/2 medium onion, finely chopped

2 Tbs shallot, finely chopped

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped

2 medium zucchini, diced

1/3 cup dry white wine or chicken broth

1 1/2 cups cooked wild rice

1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped

1 Tbs fresh sage, chopped

1 Tbs fresh thyme, chopped

Salt and pepper to taste

 4 very small chickens (one to one and a half pounds each)

2 Tbs honey

1. Pre heat oven to 400F.

2. Cook onion, shallot and garlic in oil over medium heat for about 10 minutes, until soft.

3. Add zucchini and cook another 10 minutes until soft.

4. Add wine or broth and scrape the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon to release any browned bits.

5. Cook until most of the liquids evaporate (5 minutes or so).

6. Remove from heat and mix with the rice, herbs and spices.

7. Season birds inside and out with salt and pepper. Stuff cavity loosely with rice mixture, then arrange on a   rack in a roasting pan.

8. Warm the honey a little (a few seconds in the microwave or dip the jar in warm water) and spread (or rub) over the birds. 

9. Roast the birds for 10 minutes; reduce to 350°F and roast for about 30-40 minutes more, or until the juices in the thigh run clear when it is pierced with a knife. 

10.  Let rest for 15 minutes, then cut in halves and serve.

Depending on the size of your birds and the appetite of your diners, this can serve between 4 to 6 people.

And remember to be grateful for what you already have. 

The bad wife

This week's parasha mentions bad wives. I'm sure my husband can relate. 

    

Actually, what the parasha talks about is a wife suspected of infidelity.  Since there apparently was no "innocent until proven guilty" when it came to wives, the poor woman must undergo some humiliating icky ordeal and only if passing the test is she declared innocent. Not only that, the kohen is to uncover her hair (big public humiliation) before the active part of the ordeal. So she is punished even before it is determined whether she is guilty or innocent.

I asked why that is so. And I was told that the woman is already guilty of behaving in a way that raised the husband's suspicion so she deserves to be punished. I totally hate that answer.  We all know of cases of overly jealous, unreasonable husbands who see any innocent act as "proof" of infidelity. What happens then? Yes, eventually we hope (!) the community will put an end to it but meanwhile the poor woman has to undergo trial after trial just to satisfy a need that cannot possibly be satisfied.

I have no answers. I don't even know how to answer my own beloved husband's accusations that I am on a secret mission to fatten him up (possibly in preparation for a future sacrifice.)

Hubby's birthday is this week. You would think I was going to make him a feast fit for a king.

You would be wrong.

Not that I don't love him, or want to spoil him, or am unable to whip up something awesome for him. I do and I can. 

Years ago I used to make his favorite dish on his birthday. It takes a lot of creative shopping as you need some things that are common in Israel but very hard to find here.

And every time I made it, he used to moan in pleasure, finish the whole thing and then get all upset because it was not the healthiest dish and it was fattening. 

Well, Duh. What are birthdays for? If you can't eat fattening, unhealthy foods on your birthday, why have birthdays at all?

But he used to get so upset that I stopped making it. Don't want to be a bad wife or risk that scary ritual described in the Torah (To which only suspected wives are to be subjected. No mention of suspected husbands. Even my MIL finds this aggravating.)

Therefore, I will not be making his favorite dish for his birthday. Sorry, honey.

Happy Birthday, dear. And I promise that reading about your favorite dish is extremely low fat.

Puff pastry shells with chicken livers and gizzards in mushroom gravy

See if you can get chicken livers (relatively easy) and chicken gizzards (not quite as easy.)  If not, you may succeed with substituting sausages: kielbasa, hot dogs, salami, corned beef. All cut into small chunks. They don't need to be cooked, just warmed in the sauce. The livers and gizzards, of course, must be cooked first, then cut into cubes or small chunks (bite size.)

You will also need puff pastry shells. These can be found in the freezer section of almost any supermarket and you bake them according to package instructions. Plan on one shell per person as appetizer or 2 as main dish (they're not so big.) You can also line muffin tins with scraps of puff pastry and bake them according to package instructions. It will work but it won't be as impressive.

And you will need mushrooms. Go wild. Use whatever mushrooms you like; sliced or chopped (again, your choice.) A mixture of different mushrooms is always a great hit in this dish.

Lastly, you will need Israeli mushroom bullion. You can get that at Israeli and kosher stores and in some supermarkets. If not, you can use other mushroom soup mix (if it's not dairy.) If you want to avoid this ingredient, there are ways to grind dried mushrooms and add flour or corn starch and create a similar effect (some say a better one.) Your call. 

So, for 6 shells, saute a medium onion (chopped, of course I mean chopped) in oil until light brown, add 2 cups mushrooms and cook until they release a lot of liquid, then continue cooking until the liquid is reduced by half. This can take 15 to 20 minutes. Watch the pan and stir occasionally. Add 1 cup chopped meats (already cooked/broiled) and spice it with salt and pepper (If you use sausages you'll need less seasonings. Use your judgement.) De-glaze the pan with  1/3 cup water mixed with 1/3 cup red wine (Or balsamic vinegar. Wine is better.) Add 2 tsp Israeli soup bullion (mushroom flavored). Bring to a boil, lower heat and cook 10-15 minutes until sauce thickens. If it doesn't thicken but  tastes good, go ahead and use it. As long as it's not totally soupy, it's fine.You have to watch this dish. You want plenty of sauce but you don't want it to be watery. More like thin oatmeal. If necessary, add liquid or boil longer, depending, in order to reach the right consistency.

Spoon into (and over) prepared shells and serve hot.

Sauce can be made ahead of time (even the day before) and reheated. Shells are best the day they were baked.




Warning: If you serve this to your husband, you may be accused of being a bad wife and end up having to drink yucky water.
In public.
I sometimes wonder if it's worth it to do nice things for the beasts.