It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

 When one turns 50, one should: A. Know better and B. Be allowed to do whatever the heck one wants to (at least on that day.) Unfortunately, these two things are usually opposites of each other. Example: I know very well (A.) that if I tell my real opinion about Ya'akov, the only thing that will save me from being crucified is the fact that Jews just don't do crucifixions. Yet today is my 50th birthday and I feel I should be allowed (B.) to say what I want. After all, the whole point of getting older is to get to the blessed place where you can speak your mind and ignore the horrified gasps around you.

Ya'akov is a patriarch. Yes. And I'm sure the sages have plenty of praise for him. But as a human being he pretty much sucks. As a son, he tricks his father. As a brother, he cheats his sibling. As a husband he isn't nice even to Rachel (though I will give him that: he did consult his wives before a major move). And don't get me started on his fathering style. You'd think a man with 12 sons will eventually learn how stupid it is to show favoritism. Not to mention learning to better control your kids' actions. And never mind his treatment of Dina. Or lack thereof.

No. I have no nice things to say about Ya'akov. And this being my birthday - I won't bother.

And I don't see why I have to cook today. Shouldn't I be pampered beyond reason?

But in this vale of tears, there is no justice to be found anywhere. Sigh. I am old and frail and nobody cares. All that's left are the memories. Of this awesome cake my mom used to make before we learned to fear calories, sugar and fat. When life was simple. Double sigh.

Whipped cream and meringue cake

This cake is made up of three layers (each more fattening than the other):

Layer one - the cake base

2 egg yolks
7 Tbs margarine (100 grams)
2 tsp baking powder
2 cups flour

Mix well into a smooth dough.
Press into a 9x13 greased baking pan.
Bake at 350F for 30-45 minutes or until golden.
Cool completely.
(I know, no sugar. Just keep reading...)

Layer two - whipped cream

Whip 2 cups heavy cream with 1/2 cup sugar and 1 tsp Israeli powdered coffee (you may be able to use an American brand but the Israeli Nescafe is milder and blends much better into the cream).
The goal is to make a firm enough whipped cream that you can easily spread over the base of the cake. Just don't over beat as you may end up with butter...


Layer three - meringue

Beat 4 egg whites until foamy.
Add one and a quarter cups sugar and continue beating until stiff peaks form.
Grease a shallow baking pan (9x13 or larger), line with baking paper and then grease the paper itself.
Spread the meringue evenly on the paper. It doesn't have to be super smooth.
Bake at 300F for one hour.
Immediately peel paper away from meringue (carefully). It's OK if it breaks a bit.
Cool completely.


Assembly:

Spread the whipped cream evenly over the cake base.
Carefully lay the meringue over the cream layer. The meringue will likely fall apart in transfer. It's OK. You'll break it anyway when trying to slice the cake. Just try not to break it so much that it's all crumbs.

Optional - drizzle with chocolate syrup and/or sprinkle chopped walnuts over the cake. Because, you know, it's not fattening enough as it is.

Chill well. Slice carefully (the meringue sort of crumbles but the rest of the cake, if chilled well, will hold its shape enough to serve.) We found it best to "cut" the cake with a large spoon.



And make sure you have 911 on speed dial. This cake should come with a General Surgeon's warning.

There are advantages and disadvantages to growing old. One can no longer carelessly eat stuff like this. On the other hand, one may carelessly express oneself and tell the protesters to go fly a kite. Ya'akov wasn't a nice person. So there.

Wedding soup

When my friend Gail and I attended the wedding of our friend Debbie's son Akiva, we sat at the same table and discussed the soup. 

This may sound shallow but that's because you did not taste said soup. It was butternut squash and we were trying to figure out how it was made and what was in it besides the squash so that I can replicate it for the benefit of all. 

Soup is an important issue but really we should have been paying closer attention to the wedding. In our defense, we did pay close attention before and after the soup incident. The bride was radiant, the ceremony moving, the groom was jumping with joy (I mean literally jumping), the dancing was intense (as only dancing at a Jewish orthodox wedding can be) and the bride's girlfriends came up with endless props for entertainment while the groom's friends were trying to outdo them on the other side of the mechitza with impossible feats of dare-deviling.

Weddings are great. Jewish weddings are even better since even when people do get drunk (happens) all they do is make merry. 

However, sometimes, at Jewish weddings, people do get drunk (or in some way disoriented) and make mistakes. Then they wake up in the morning and find out they married the wrong sister. 

I feel sad for all the players in this drama. 

That night must have been lovely. Clear and fresh. The smoke from the many fires around the campground must have blinded Ya'akov and being drunk with happiness (and probably with L'Chaim after L'Chaim, as well), he eagerly stumbled into the marriage tent and did not realize how horribly he was cheated until it was too late.

But it wasn't all bad. Leah gave him many sons and loved him through thick and thin. She probably was a good cook, too. Having so many kids and no time or inclination to dwell on physical beauty (what's the point, when your sister is always hailed as "the pretty one"?) is usually an incentive to develop other skills. So she must have made him delicious meals. Like soup.


Roasted Butternut squash soup


1 medium sized butternut squash (about a foot long)
1 medium onion chopped
1 large garlic clove sliced
2 Tbs vegetable oil
1/4 Lb tofu (any kind) drained and cubed
Pinch coarse salt
1 large branch of fresh thyme (about the size of your palm, including side branches)
4 cups vegetable broth (or you can use chicken broth)



Cut squash in half. Scoop seeds and discard. Cut each half into 4 pieces.

Arrange on an oiled baking sheet, spray pieces with oil spray.

Bake at 450F for half an hour. Scoop flesh out or peel pieces.

In a large pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion and garlic. Cover and cook over medium heat until soft and starts to brown, about 10-15 minutes.

Add squash pieces, tofu, salt and broth to cover (you may need more than 4 cups). 

Tie thyme branch with kitchen string and immerse in soup.

Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium-low, cover and cook for an hour or until squash is completely soft.

Remove thyme branch. Puree soup using immersion blender or food processor. Taste and add salt if needed.

Makes 4 servings.




So, anyway, the wedding was beautiful, the soup was delicious and Akiva and Tzivya have a beautiful daughter. I'm not saying it was because of the soup, but it sure didn't hurt.

Seeing red

 So this guy was sitting near the cooking fire at camp, working on a great dish he had just invented:

2 Tbs extra virgin olive oil

2 medium onions, diced

1 fresh hot pepper (the light green kind) seeded and thinly sliced

1 tsp paprika

1 tsp turmeric

1 tsp coarse salt (or kosher salt)

1/2 tsp mustard powder

1/4 tsp black pepper

6 garlic cloves

1 pickled lemon

2 cans (14 1/2 oz each) diced tomatoes

14 oz water (measure this by pouring water into one of the empty cans)

1 can (6 oz) tomato paste

1/2 cup brown lentils, cooked (measured before cooking)

1/2 cup red lentils, cooked (measured before cooking)

6 leaves of fresh sage (Do NOT use dry. If you don't have fresh, skip this part)

2 tsp fresh thyme leaves (Do NOT use dry. If you don't have fresh, skip this part)

Cook onions in oil over medium-low heat in a covered pot, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile, in a food processor, process garlic, pickled lemon (remove pits first) and the liquid from the diced tomatoes until you have a wet paste.

When onions are very soft (about 10-15 minutes) increase heat to medium-high and add hot pepper. Cook one minute. Add all the spices except salt. Stir and cook another minute.

Add garlic-lemon paste, stir well and cook another minute.

Add diced tomatoes, tomato paste and water. Stir well, reaching all the way to the bottom of the pot.

Add salt. Bring to a gentle boil.

Cook, covered, over medium low heat, stirring occasionally, for 15 minutes.

Add lentils and fresh herbs. Stir well. Cook 15 minutes more.

Makes 5-6 servings.

Now, granted, some of the ingredients in that guy's recipe (not to mention some of the tools) probably were not available at the time he was cooking it but why spoil a great story with petty details?

OK. So he is cooking up a storm and here comes his (slightly older) brother, tired, sweaty, muddy and mad as a hornet. Poor guy spent the whole day running around hill and dale and found not one animal considerate enough to be willing to die so as to serve as his dinner. The man was starving. And as he walks into camp, he smells this heavenly stew. Salivating, he approaches the cooking fire and, glory be, it is his little brother cooking something that looks mighty good.

Says the hunter "Brother, can you spare a bowl? On second thought, I'll take the whole pot, if you can spare it"

"W-e-l-l," says the cook, "I dunno. I've been spendin' all morning slaving over this here pot o' stew and now you want me to just hand it over? What's in it for me?"

"What do you want for it?" asks the hunter

The cook scratches his head, thinking. "I'll take your best tent, your first wife and 80% of your flocks"

"Say what?" growls the hunter "Look, buster, this pot ain't got but two or three bowl-fulls in it. You're asking for too much"

The cook shrugs "Fine, how about handing over your birthright instead?"

"Birthright? What good will a birthright do me if I am to drop dead in a minute? I came here starving and then you keep me talking about crazy high prices and all. Take the danged birthright and let me have some chow, will ya?"

And so a deal was struck. Showing the danger of thinking you are "starving" when really you're just a bit hungry. There really are starving people in the world. Esav was not one of them that day and mistaking a grumbling tummy for imminent death had cost him (and his brother) great distress down the line.

On the other hand, while this recipe really smells and tastes enticing enough to trick your older siblings into giving you their birth right, do you really want to be the firstborn? Name one firstborn in the bible that came to a happy ending.

Sigh.

(As you may have guessed, I am a firstborn, and I sure wish one of my siblings would take it off my hands)

Second. Best.

Do you have a mother in law? Mine is a very strong presence in our lives. Hubby loves his momma very much. Sometimes, like most daughters in law, I suppose, I get a little jealous of just how much. My MIL is the quintessential mother. She will work herself to an early grave (G-d forbid) to serve her children (And grandchildren. And various family members. And guests. And people usually filed under "other".) Lazy bum that I am, it's impossible to compete. I could never spoil hubby the way his mommy can. Sigh.

But, compared to Rivka, I have it easy. Her MIL was dead. How do you compete with that? Death of MIL should make it easier, you say? Huh! Consider this: Yitzchak was very much attached to his mom (sounds familiar?) and her death hit him hard. The Torah says he brought his bride into Sarah's tent and she was a comfort to him after his mother's death. So, first of all, that's a pretty heavy load to carry, being a comfort to your brand new husband over a death that, in all probability, happened before you ever met. And second, if he was that broken, what could Rivka possibly do that would compete with the giant shadow cast by Sarah?

I firmly believe that each generation should be better than the one before (which, I realize, never happens, but is nice as an idea) or else what's the point? If we do not improve the race from generation to generation, how can we ever hope to be good enough for the Moshiach? So a daughter in law should be better than a mother in law in terms of housekeeping (oops), child rearing (as if) and cooking (hear that hollow laughter.)

OK. Not happening. But it's good to have something to dream about.

Anyway, my MIL makes this unbelievable chicken. In truth, she got the recipe from uncle Solly but still. She only make it twice a year (Pesach and Rosh Hashana) and I wait with bated breath (salivating all the way) for its appearance. I usually eat nothing else at the holiday table so as not to interfere with the flavor of the chicken. 

The problem is, the recipe sounds completely fictional. No one believes it. Neither did I until I tried it out of desperation and saw "ki tov".

But, as I said, daughters in law should strive to improve the MIL's legacy or we will still be stepping in place at the end of time. And here's the fun part: this dish creates leftovers that are not readily usable and I, MIL2.0, have found a use for them. So there.


First, the fictional chicken. Remember this is a recipe that makes no sense yet works like a dream.

Take one whole chicken. Put (breast side down) in an aluminum disposable (very important) pan. Add 2 or 3 onions sliced into thick wedges (about 12 wedges per onion). Sprinkle with a little (or a lot, your choice) kosher or other coarse salt. Place in middle of preheated oven at 350F. Cook for at least 2 hours, preferably 3, possible to go for 4 (but check it). The chicken should be a nice brown, lots of juices in the pan, onions mostly light brown (some darker than others) and the chicken looks like it's dried out. It's not.


That's it. I know, it sounds weird. But it works. Now for the "daughter in law living up to the MIL's legendary image" part. I made this chicken and used way more onions than we could possibly eat with the chicken. Do we throw them out? G-d forbid. After all, my MIL is Iranian. For my non Israeli readers, in Israeli folklore, Iranians are the cheapskates. So there was no way she would approve of me throwing out the extra onions. And here is what happened:



Stuffed mushrooms with leftover onions


6 large onions that were cooked with chicken as described above
1/3 - 1/2 cup (or more as needed) of pan juices from said chicken
2 Tbs balsamic vinegar
1 Lb ground beef
2/3 cup mixed grains (see note at the end) measured before cooking, cooked in vegetable or chicken broth.
14 very large white mushrooms (And I do mean very large, about 4 inches across. If you can't find them, use smaller ones but then I don't know how many this will make). Stems removed, peeled if you wish to (I always do).
Extra virgin olive oil (about 3-4 Tbs)
1/4-1/2 cup vegetable or chicken broth


In a food processor, grind onions with balsamic vinegar and about 1/2 cup of the chicken's pan juices. This will take some time and will produce a thick sauce (like oatmeal). 

Brown the ground beef in a pan (you can use a little oil or not, your choice), until no longer pink.

Mix beef with cooked grains. Add half the onion/balsamic vinegar sauce to the beef and grains mix. Mix well. There's no need for any spices (especially if you used salt with the chicken).

In a shallow baking dish spread the olive oil (enough to coat the bottom a little). Arrange mushrooms in dish (I had to use two large dishes. The mushrooms take up a lot of space). 

Stuff each mushroom with the beef and grains mixture (about 1 or 2 Tbs each, at least). Heap it up nicely. 

Spoon one tablespoon of the remaining onion/balsamic vinegar sauce over the stuffing in each mushroom. Pour whatever sauce remains around the mushrooms.

Add the broth to the sauce in the dish (if you used more than one dish because of space issues, use 1/4 cup for each dish).

Cover tightly with foil.

Bake at 350F for an hour.

Serve warm.


Makes 7 servings as a main dish; 14 as an appetizer.



Note about the grains: I used some sort of parboiled mixed grains I got at Costco, but any mix of grains will do. You can use leftovers of rice, wheat , barley, quinoa, millet, whatever. The more types of grains - the better the taste of the final dish. If using leftovers, you'll need to guess about the amount since the amount given in the recipe is before cooking. Basically, there was the same amount of cooked grains as cooked ground beef. Work from this.



And remember, the best mothers in law are those who leave room for their sons' wives to outshine them. It's for your own son's benefit when you really think about it, no?

Not good enough

I like goat cheese. It's very earthy and creamy and delicious. I like inventing recipes that contain goat cheese. But my friend the goat-cheese-hater always asks "Can I use feta instead?"

Why do people argue with perfection? Because what is perfect for one is not so great for another. Because they can see flaws in my plan that they think I missed somehow.

Is that what happened in S'dom? Did G-d "miss" something? Because when He told Avraham about his plans for S'dom, Avraham immediately pointed out what seems like an obvious flaw: "How can you kill the innocent along with the wicked?"

Then there's the famous bargaining ("Can I use feta instead?"), where our wily ancestor haggles with the Almighty over a bunch of people he doesn't know and wouldn't want to know if he knew them. And G-d indulges him. Fine, says G-d, I'll spare the whole city for the sake of a few good people.

G-d, being G-d, knows darn well that there aren't any good people in S'dom. Why doesn't He just say to Avraham: "Listen, pal, you're wasting your breath. This city is one wicked cesspool. There are no good people there. Fo'getaboutit." Why bargain over a lost cause? 

Because G-d is a teacher. With great patience He lets Avraham find the truth for himself. When you learn something by yourself, you'll know it better and remember it longer than if someone simply told you about it. Like a patient parent, G-d lets Avraham think he has a say in the matter. Not to make fun of him or to "teach him a lesson" but to let him find out for himself that there is always a reason behind G-d's decisions. Even if, from a human point of view, they seem flawed.

And, one day, my friend will find out that I am right (which,of course, I always am) and that goat cheese is amazing. Until that happy day, I will indulge her and create dishes with feta so she thinks she has a say in spotting my (imaginary) flaws.



Baby volcanoes of leeks and feta

3 leeks, white part only, sliced very thinly
1 package (8-10 pieces) scallions, white and green parts both, sliced very thinly
3 Tbs butter
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese
Freshly ground black pepper
2 Tbs chopped fresh parsley
12 puff pastry shells, baked according to package instructions



Saute leeks and scallions in butter over medium-low heat for about an hour (yes, this is no typo.) Stir frequently. Vegetables will get very soft but there will be very little browning.

Let mixture cool slightly (or even overnight and proceed the next day), then add feta, parsley, and black pepper.

Using one heaping tablespoon per shell, fill prepared puff pastry shells.

Heat oven to 400F. Turn it off and place shells (arranged on a baking sheet) in it for 10 minutes.

Makes 12 appetizers


Yes, feta because of the salt around S'dom and volcano shaped containers for the volcanoes that were probably part of the destruction of S'dom. And good riddance, too. What a horrible place.