"A plague on both your houses"

There is a curious distribution of plagues this week. You'd think that since there are 10 plagues, and we got so used to thinking about them as one unit, they will all appear in one parasha. Not so. 7 appear in this week's parasah, and the last 3 are kept in reserve for next week.

Generations of rabbis, scholars and commentators have struggled with the reason for this division. They came up with some very interesting explanations and beautiful midrashim.

However, they were all men. And in the good old days, men rarely, if ever, had to cook. The truth about this plagues division is very simple. The plagues represent a suggested Seder menu (as every woman worth her brisket knows, Pesach is all about the food) and there is a perfectly natural and simple reason to pause after the hail. Look at the following menu:

Appetizer: Salmon wrapped asparagus bundles in vinaigrette sauce.

Soup: Tomato and roasted pepper soup with pesto dumplings

Main course: Brisket (how else?)

Side dishes: 1. Quinoa almond pilaf

                   2. Wild beets in a light garlic and lemon sauce

                   3. Radishes, new potatoes and scallions salad

                   4. Pearl onions in a red wine vinegar reduction

Dessert: Dark chocolate truffles.

Now, wouldn't you say that there is a need for a palate cleansing sorbet somewhere in there? A pause that refreshes? Think raspberry-sauce-filled lemon sorbet balls. Perfect, isn't it?

So, naturally, the bible pauses after the hail plague and lets us refresh ourselves before the final onslaught.

But, says the bewildered reader, how does the above menu relate to plagues? Fair question. OK. List of plagues. But with a twist. They will not be in the order we are used to. Ready?

Locusts (Arbeh)

Blood and Frogs (Dam, Tsefarde-ah)

Dead cow (Dever)

Lice (Kinim)

Wild beasts (Arov)

Death of the first born (Bechorot)

Boils (Sh'chin)

Darkness (Choshech)

And, of course, our great divider, Hail (Barad).

For those who still don't see the connection, compare the two lists (menu and plagues) side by side.

Don't mention this comparison to your guests. Men do tend to get all bent out of shape when we call their attention to anything they did not come up with themselves. And kids pay too much attention to what the food is called instead of how it taste. So let's keep it between you and me, huh?

Recipes for plagues in this week's parasha

Blood soup

4 Tbs olive oil

1 medium onion, chopped

3 garlic cloves, sliced

1 red bell pepper, broiled, peeled and coarsely chopped

28 oz can of whole peeled tomatoes in thick puree

Salt and pepper to taste

Saute onion in oil until golden brown. Add garlic and cook another minute.

Add tomatoes. Refill the can with water and add to pot. Season to taste.

Bring to a boil. Lower heat and cook, covered, over low heat for half an hour.

Puree soup (in blender, food processor or immersion blender) and continue cooking another 15 minutes.

Add seasonings as necessary.

7-8 servings

Frog dumplings

1 cup mashed potatoes made with no liquid or fat.

1 egg

1 tsp kosher salt

1/4 tsp black pepper

1/4 cup fresh basil processed in food processor (or chopped very fine) with 2 Tbs olive oil

3/4 cup potato starch

Mix all ingredients. Dough will be sticky and wet.

Shape with wet hands into dumplings the size and shape of large pecans and drop gently into a pot of salted boiling water.

Simmer over medium high heat for 10-12 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon into a colander (very gently), and immediately slide carefully unto a platter, separating the dumpling.

Note: Dumplings will be "slimy" and "rubbery" (sort of like a frog, I guess). Also sort of sticky when you cut them and very, very soft.

Add dumplings to soup and reheat gently.

Makes 22-23 dumplings

Very Important Note: You need to heat the dumplings in the soup but if you leave them there for more than a day, they become (to quote my family) "yucky". So only add the number you plan to actually serve that day, heat it up and save the rest in a covered dish to be heated with the soup next time. Oh, what the heck, you know you're gonna eat the whole thing on the spot. How else will you get to eat a frog?

Lice Pilaf

1 1/2 cup quinoa (The only kind that has a hechsher for Pesach does not need to be washed, which saves time and annoyance)

3 cups vegetable broth

1/8 tsp turmeric (optional)

1/8 tsp paprika (optional)

Salt to taste

1/3 cup slivered almonds, toasted

Bring broth to a boil. Add quinoa and spices. Cover and cook over very low heat for 20 minutes until all the liquid is absorbed. Cool to room temperature. Fluff with a fork. Mix almonds in.

6-7 servings

Wild beasts with garlic and lemon

1 bunch beets with leaves attached (about 4 medium beets)

3 Tbs olive oil

2 garlic cloves, minced

Juice of half a medium lemon (or more to taste)

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Separate beets and leaves. Boil or roast 2 of the bulbs. Peel and cube them. Save the other 2 bulbs for another use (why not make home-made ch'rain? Just kidding).

Wash leaves carefully and cut off the stems. Let the leaves drip dry, No need to dry them thoroughly.

Heat the oil in a skillet and cook the garlic over high heat for a few seconds (don't let it get brown). Add leaves and immediately turn heat to medium and cover well.

Cook leaves for 2 minutes, stirring occasionally but keeping the cover on between stirs.

Remove to a flat serving platter, add cubed beets, salt and pepper (has to be freshly ground and be generous with it) and lemon juice. Toss very gently.

Serve hot or cold. Can be made a day ahead but won't be as good.

4-6 servings

Beef brisket

Brisket is sacred. Everyone claims theirs is the "right one", every family has their favorite and every balehboosteh  knows (in her heart of hearts) that her way of cooking brisket is not only the best way but indeed the only way. The only thing we can all agree on is that in order for the brisket to work, the cow has to be departed from this world first and therefore this is an excellent dish to represent the fifth plague. Use your own (correction, "unique and best ever"), recipe.

Boils in red wine vinegar

2 Tbs margarine
1 Lb frozen pearl onions

3 Tbs sugar

3 Tbs red wine vinegar

1/2 Tbs balsamic vinegar

1/2 tsp salt

Pinch of black pepper

Thaw onions in a non metal colander (this will take a few hours).
Melt margarine in a large skillet over medium heat.

Add onions. Turn heat to high and cook, stirring occasionally for 8-10 minutes until onions start to brown (do not let them brown completely).
Turn heat to medium and add sugar and vinegars.
Cook 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until sauce thickens.
Add salt and black pepper.


6 servings

Hail sorbet

Buy (or make) parve lemon sorbet (or any other flavor where the sorbet is white). Scoop a ball of sorbet into a small serving dish.

Using a sturdy straw (or one of those cool gadgets that are used for inserting jam into a doughnut, or even a squeeze bottle with a long spout that is usually used for ketchup at a BBQ), fill the center of the sorbet ball with a tablespoon of raspberry or strawberry syrup (store bought or make your own by mixing seedless jam with a little bit of water until runny enough to use). This is much easier to do when the sorbet is a little soft.

Make one ball per person. You can refreeze the prepared ball (covered) until ready to use, in which case this can be made a few days ahead of time and kept in the freezer. Just soften it up a bit on the counter before serving

The idea for this came from my oldest daughter, who, as everyone knows, is a genius (and I am not saying this just because I am her mother or anything).